January 2008
42 posts
Right In the Kisser
After a few very strong mai-tais and an opium laced joint that I got for my birthday, I decided it would be funny to drive out to the viper farm in Uniah county and steal the biggest snake I could find. She put up a little resistance but I got that thing in a pillowcase without getting bit and just barely made it home. State trooper almost nailed me doing 120 on route 34 there over by the old...
Smooth Move, Ex-Lax.
Madames et Monsieurs,
This is a piece I wrote after my visit to court to see the sentencing of two of corporate America’s biggest thieves. My old boss had me go and check it out and take notes for a book he was writing. He suggested I turn the notes into a story. Here it is. Monday the 19th of September, 2006, for the first time in my 22 years on this earth, I went to an official,...
Space Slugs of the Mississippi
In a desperate attempt to retrieve his father’s magic lure, “Idaho” Monty Fontaine entered the beast’s stomach. For 15 years he lived in that damp and hellish place and for 15 years we thought we’d never have to deal with the douchebag again. We were wrong.
Hissssssss
“Ok so what we have here is the eastern pit viper. It’s considered to be pretty fuckin’ venomous, if you know what I mean. Alright kids, so what we DON’T wanna do is put our fingers anywhere near its mouth. It smells and sees with its tongue. Crazy shit right? Why doesn’t the first row come up and give Tricia here a little pet. Don’t worry she’s not a .....
The Devil and Gerald
Lucifer sat next to Gerald that day. Whether he liked it or not, Gerald had to accept it. A rabid San Jose Sharks fan, the devil had no intention of “being quiet” in game 4 of the playoffs. But no. Gerald wasn’t about to roll over and take it in the ass. He had taken shit all day at work. He was going to be goddamned if he was gonna let some pussy in a pair of horns ruin his...
A Bunch of Dudes Named Terry
I did a post on a guy named Terry a while back. That’s reason enough to show you a bunch of dudes named Terry.
Investigative Journalism
I spent 9 years in the hippie underground, doing research. Believe me when i tell you that their bizarre sexual initiation rituals like this one (held at a commune that I infiltrated) are about everything but peace and love. It’s a painful thing to watch and hear a man with a full beard shriek like a woman as a flaming torch is applied to his gasoline-soaked tyedye shirt. He then has 30...
Fuck!
Some people said it was impossible. No one believed “Kowboy Kenji” could do 50 shots of Jagermeister. Yet, here he is with his boyfriend Oscar shortly after downing his 50th shot. Sadly, 20 minutes after this picture was taken, he suffered a major heart attack while behind the wheel of a school bus full of young children. Memorial services will be held atop Mt. Fuji tomorrow evening....
The REAL Good Book
Some people call it the best novel of all time. I usually just refer to it as “the book.” Either way, Ansen Dibell’s “Pursuit of the Screamer” speaks loudly to a generation of disillusioned bisexuals like myself. I’ll always remember my first time reading it. I was in Cabo with my parents and had gone to get us all some fresh towels from the cabana. This was...
Sorry!
Diane,
Sorry! I’ve been on vacation. Otherwise I would have updated. Anyway, it was wonderful. Randy and I spent all of last week in Cabo and finally got to relax after organizing the Dance For Christ pageant. Thanks to all who participated. Trixie Faulks and Chris Warain took home the gold medal..AGAIN, those cocksuckers. So Randy and I spent a lot of time on the beach during the trip,...
You're Hired!
“Just another day at the office” Quincy thought to himself as he tucked his balls back into his unitard. He’d packed a few things for the trip to work. It was a 4 hour walk to the mall and he wasn’t going anywhere without his books and some old t shirts. He knew that much. There was something different about Quincy today. Yes, he had a peculiar gleam in his bloodshot eye...
A Bunch of Dudes Named Maurice
Hey you, The weather has really made a sharp left and headed down the shitter in the past month. So, to warm our spirits, I’ve collected pictures of a bunch of dudes named Maurice.
Uncle Terry
Uncle Terry loved Halloween. It was the one day of the year he’d check out of the motel he lived at and stay with us for a few days. He’d show up on his motorcycle, looking pretty hungover with his U-Haul trailer in tow. “It’s that time of the year again, Halloweeners”, he’d say. My husband would pretend to think it was funny cause Terry was his brother and...
Hell On Earth
8/23/01: dear diary: …we all sat there helpless and watched as the alien went inside Aunt Jessica’s head. She writhed on the ground like she was on fire. All the lights flickered and she screamed so loud that the glass door on our armoire burst into a thousand pieces. Everything went silent. She laid there for a good twenty seconds and then her eyes opened. It wasn’t the same...
Read Into It.
There were a few aspects of this snapshot that really made me think. Let me count the ways:
- The henna tattoos on the woman’s face apparently drawn by a drunk 8 year old imply she is not only at peace with herself but also with her obsession with prepubescent men. - The fact that the frog can’t even acknowledge the camera or his stage-mate just speaks volumes about the lack of...
Startling Fact #1
87% of all high speed automobile accidents are caused by female drivers under the age of 2. Please, put your baby girls back in their car seats. Don’t let your family be a statistic.
Ruthless
Mom always said Grandpa was the world’s most ruthless Monopoly player. I’d heard the stories since I was old enough to talk. Every Thanksgiving he’d ask the family to play him and every Thanksgiving we’d tell him no. “Just a quick game!” he’d say. We took that classic with a grain of salt, considering the last match he played with Aunt Ellen would have...
A Bunch of Dudes Named Hank
I recieved an anonymous suggestion to search the name Hank after the wild success of “A Bunch of Dudes Named Barry.” Done. So here, in no particular order, are a bunch of dudes named Hank! Who’s the sexiest? Leave a comment and let us know.
Welcome Home
Hi. Yeah hi. Listen don’t be upset. I know. I know I don’t live here anymore, Melanie. I heard you got a new puppy and I just wanted to swing by and see how he was. No big deal, right? I know you changed the locks. Please don’t freak out. I went in the bedroom window. No listen. You don’t understand. Put the phone down, Melanie. Please. I’m being chased by the...
Pork Barrel Shitting
Apparently this is supposed to be a proper alternative to shitting in the woods. No lie. This is actually some sort of homemade toilet. I’d really rather be the guy accidentally wiping my ass with a leaf of poison ivy behind a mighty oak than the smiling guy in the flannel sitting in a cross section of an oil barrel, gingerly trying to hold onto his self respect while taking the...
Heritage Shmeritage
Here they are, ladies! 6 very good reasons not to date an old German guy! (Stefan’s suit is rather striking, though. I must say. Very “Bad”-era Michael Jackson)
Abu-Great!
Congratulations on being a huge asshole, Lyndie! Have a great time in jail! Love, everyone at the Wizard’s Ridge
Batman?
The stumbling U.S. economy has wrapped its tentacles around even Gotham’s wealthiest citizen. Bruce Wayne, otherwise known as Batman, has recently completed a stint at a rehabilitation clinic in Puerto Rico and is out on the same streets where he once fought crime.The billionaire and superhero suffered major financial losses after heavily investing in Pets.com in 1998. Evident in the above...
Mary's Decision
Mary was presented with a choice. She could have the lemonade or the cat. Mary chose death.
Busted.
I was using a handicapped bathroom. So you’re aware, there was no line. There were no handicapped individuals in sight. I checked. That being said, the lack of a crowd didn’t stop me from creeping into the bathroom like a cat burglar. What I didn’t check for was much more damaging to all parties involved.
I’m a tall guy. I like a big bathroom. But what was really nice was the...
"Reading Is Fundamental"
While wandering the halls of school during my college years, I recieved word of the opportunity of a lifetime. A representative from ‘Showtime At the Apollo” was handing out free tickets for a Saturday show hosted by none other than 90’s comic legend ‘Sinbad.’ You can imagine my excitement. I took 4 tickets and immediately picked up the phone. I told Travis, who...
Carol Fucked Up
Caught in the act, AGAIN! I saw you going through my gym bag, Carol. Find anything interesting, you sorry piece of shit? Put it down right now and I won’t call the cops. Are you kidding? Are you really going to sit there and deny trying to take my shit? Oh, it wasn’t you? Then who was it, Carol? Was it your twin sister who also happens to work in the same acupuncture office?...
A+
You put this stamp on anything and I’ll buy it. Shoes, hats, food, detergent, bottled water, dill pickles, you name it… “He doesn’t look trustworthy, Nick,” you might say. That’s because he’s obviously an adult film star. But brother I’m telling you, that smile of Randy’s reaches out of this screen I’m staring at, grabs me by the collar...
Hands Across The Water
Well, you don’t say. The after picture is different. It may or may not be (and I’m no professional) that it has less to do with the absence of the blemishes on the hand (apparently hastily made with a magic marker) and more to do with the lack of whorehouse nail polish applied to the very same disgusting hand. Now, if this is a picture of a woman’s hand, she’s got a thing...
Baby You Can Drive My Egg
Is this not the coolest car of all time? I can’t be sure but I’ll go out on a limb and say that it probably hits about 200-300 mph with a solid tailwind. I wouldn’t want to be involved in any kind of high-speed crash while piloting the strange craft but imagine the possibilities! The perfect car for single, very small men everywhere. The cargo and sound system capabilities may...
Sex Sells
Here we see Winston, wearing an extra wide neck, gossamer v-neck from our spring line. One of our more experienced models, Winston has come to define the term ‘poetry in motion.’ Breathtaking. Winston’s body really lends itself to the cling and sheer of the fabric. Notice the unkempt beard and the come-hither stare. Perfection. His body is simply the best if not one of the best...
Mr. Cool
“A thousand pardons, hermano, but do you know where a dude can take a dump around here? Oh this is your yard? No shit. Well, anyway, my girlfriend and me were drinking a case out there by Widow’s Canyon, you know down the hill a ways.. and you know, may or may not have smoked a fuckin’ joint. Know what I mean? No? Right, so you know, my munchies were absolutely out of this...
A Bunch of Guys Named Barry
i did a google search on guys named Barry. Here’s a healthy dose of some of the young squires who turned up. If you know any of them personally, please send my love. Enjoy! - nicki
You Were The Wind Beneath My Wings
Shawn Kemp was far and away my favorite basketball player as a youth. Perhaps it was the green uniform or his carefully coifed flattop which appealed to the aesthetic fan in me. That was, after all, the only kind of basketball fan I was. Then again, perhaps it was the monster slam dunks that he would perform with such conviction and unadulterated rage that gave my prepubescent world a lift. 5th...
Pizza Baby
Hello little one. Have you lost your way on the rocky road to Yummyville? An orphan? Where are your 7 brothers? They were eaten, you say? Such a terrible fate. Many a pizza baby has lost his family on these treacherous roads. For you see, this is the land of Gluttonia. Forgive my intrusion, sir, but praytell, may I join you on your quest to liberate Yummyville from the Lizard Prince? I am of...
Not cool.
Thanks, Einstein.
I'm Your Vehicle, Baby
If I were very small, I would ride this magnificent creature into town and to the ladies and lords I would exclaim “Repent! Your judgement is at hand!” Chances are that none but the basilisk I’m riding will hear, but this is assuming I’m not riding into a Lilliputian-type village. If that were the case, I’d take out the scroll given to me by the elders at the...
Douche
Hey! Thanks for ruining the Doobie Brothers, Michael! Everything was going right for those guys until you decided your grey-haired ass had better sit in on piano, sing like a man getting a colonoscopy and SIMULTANEOUSLY take the reins of one of rock’s great bands during groove-machine Tom Johnston’s untimely absence. You rode that horse straight into the ground,...